senior spring: candles, letters, shows
week 7 of 10 of my graduation diary
Monday
The less you look to see change the more you’ll notice it. At least that’s the case for me. I’ve been going to the gym regularly and I feel more different now that I look at myself less in the mirror than I did when I was back home, even if I work out less often. The bright red tulips in my vase seem fresh, but the moment I fail to appreciate them, the petals fade to a pastel pink. A spider has built a web outside of my window, and I only realize it long after I’ve stopped checking to see if the tree behind it is no longer in full bloom.
It’s when I start hoping to see progress that change starts to still and time slows to a sleepy tick. Through quiet change, the days continue to reform themselves until one morning I wake up and everything is completely different.
Esty, Grace and I go to World Market so Esty can get vases for her congratulatory KASA flowers. We play the “I’ll buy it if it’s under X dollars” game and even though I don’t buy anything out of outrageous discount, I do end up spending $30. At the Blick, we get paint by numbers sets and I add four new additions to my colored pencil family.
Tuesday
By 9:30 a.m. I have a job! It’s tough to describe the satisfying feeling of everything coming together at once (to know that every moment you’ve put in up to this point has led you to now) but here are similar sensations in distant contexts:
The relief of collapsing onto your warm couch after walking in the frigid cold for so long that you could barely feel your feet or your nose.
Being duped into thinking everyone forgot your birthday only to walk into your surprise party in a room full of all the people you love.
The time I unwrapped the stack of Winston “Alab Ng Puso” issues, and then the NBN issues, and then the nuAZN “Serenade” issues.
Finding a four leaf clover after a long waterless hike under the sweltering sun. That moment when the breeze begins to blow your heavy heat away.
Juli surprises me with a Nyota figurine. I open the blind box to find a little girl in jeans and a striped shirt curled up into a ball. She has a tiny white dog on her head and its holding a heart in its mouth. New addition to my Pop Mart Apartment; Running out of leasing space; Just one penthouse corner unit studio left (north facing).
“Sinners” is a thrilling joy. I see it as the kind of movie that is gratifying at varying levels of attention and intellectual investment, in the same way that Challengers is as good when you pick it apart for hours as when you watch it drunk. The genre-bending fantastical thriller set in Jim Crow Mississippi oozes with sensuality and gore. Without foregoing the time each storyline deserves, it somehow combines darkness and hope and tenderness and cruel optimism into a story that takes place across a single day. Supah fun please watch (it’s also a vampire movie where every single person is attractive, if you aren’t already sold).
By law, we go to Chili’s after.
Wednesday
I head to the airport after my class presentation to pick up Seline. After dropping off her stuff in my apartment, I tour her around campus. We take a loop starting north through the Shakespeare Garden, into North Beach, down the Lakefill and to Bienen. For the first time I’ve ever seen, a thick fog hangs in the air and diffuses the light into a hazy matte blanket. It feels a lot like that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mark Darcy trudges through the bog at dawn to ask Elizabeth for her hand in marriage.
I love touring people around campus because it makes me notice how different spots have changed since I first saw them and how many memories I’ve created around campus. I realize how much I take Northwestern for granted because when I speak out loud to Seline about all the picnics and events and gardens and music and food we have, I’m instantly reminded of how great of a place this is.
We walk to Bienen where I ask Justin to play for us. Seline gets a private concert with Justin’s storytelling for each song included. He also tells us about his hand acupuncture while hopping around the room. Hear some!
The three of us get dinner at Siam Splendor with Evan and Aaron. We watch “Babygirl” with Esty and Iris which is completely unlike what I’d expected. We get tired and turn it off for another time with 40 minutes left. It leaves me unsettled in the same way May December did, and I think that might be the point. I don’t think I’ll be finishing the movie.
Thursday
After working for a few hours in the morning, Seline and I have poke bowls and lavender lattes by the lake. We find chairs and a table in Dawes Park right by the Arrington Lagoon. The pond has finally been filled with water and the trees that surround it are blooming with leaves. There’s a small island in the middle of the pond with a tree coming into fullness that geese and ducks nap around.
I take Seline to my drug politics class and then we head to the Chicago Botanic Garden (one of my most favorite places on the planet). The sun is shy today but comes out of hiding to glitter onto the water as the day wears on. Wind blows the wings of the weeping willow and its tendrils sway weightlessly. I am living in a painting.
We dance at the Press Party and in the bar after and everywhere in between.
Harmless dares we assign each other:
Put a ring on someone’s arm without noticing.
Put a cup on someone’s head as a hat.
Pull the collar of someone’s turtleneck.
Wipe someone’s arm with a wet wipe.
Sniff someone’s head.
Friday
Seline and I have snacks in the afternoon and find a tree to lie down underneath for a few hours. We cry and laugh and go through a year of emotions in a minute. It’s the kind of laughter where it arrives so intensely that you can’t help but fold over each other in painful silence, gasping for air like a drowning child. In this state, the limp tree besides us looks like a haggard cat version of Lea Salonga; the sky starts to look like the ocean, as if we’re lying down on a glass table watching planes as boats on the surface of the water; and a cloud looks like the underbelly of a hamster. We share songs and stories and she bitches about the clouds for being shaped weirdly and moving too fast (in the way a misogynistic man would command his girlfriend).
Seline always makes me want to be a better person. She has endless grace for everyone around her and such a deep and sincere concern for the people in her life. She’ll hold you up without ever having to ask and always forgives. She sees the light in every person and has an overflowing cup of love and curiosity. Seline will always take the challenging route and will never, ever complain about it.
We have Mi Goreng with Jade and then watch “The Diary of a Gay Disaster” with Esty. I haven’t stopped smiling :)
Saturday
There’s no feeling quite like watching everyone you love in a singular room, hearing your favorite songs over the raucous chatter of people acquainting themselves with each other. The kitchen lights are the same as always but I can see that the room has flooded with an even brighter and visibly unique warmth today. It’s my birthday! I host a chicken tender pregame party for Dillo. Here’s the lore:
For most of my life, I’ve loved to go to Chili’s on my birthday to eat the original chicken crispers (beer battered chicken tenders). The tradition stopped in sophomore year when the U.S. Chili’s discontinued them and only kept the crispy chicken crispers (barrell breaded) on the menu. The original crispers have a unique depth of flavor on the meat and a delicate sweetness to the smooth beer batter that’s hard to find anywhere else. While I was in the Philippines, dad made the best onion rings I’ve ever had in my life. I used the leftover batter he had to coat chicken thighs that I’d marinated in soy sauce and patis. Enter: Kim’s original chicken crispers.
While I haven’t mastered the recipe yet, I was able to make a crunchy beer batter and bland chicken tenders that came to life with the gochujang, honey mustard, sesame oil sauce that Lucille brought.
Seline and I clean up and go to the KASA party to join my friends. We sit on the porch and dance and share borgs. I get a burger with Evan and Aaron after I walk home with Seline so she can head to the airport. My headache is horrible so I lie down on my bed for four hours trying to recover. Even the quiet music on my speakers hurts to hear.
We watch the last three acts of Dillo Day starting with Iann Dior. Ravyn Lenae is ethereal on stage, and I’m convinced she’s more nymph than human. She moves with a perfect elegance and sensuality. Her voice has such a uniquely high tone to it that scratches an itch and it's made even better by the fact that it keeps the same quality in her speaking cadence. The music is incredible.
Natasha Bedingfield is well trained to perform to a college audience that was born when her biggest songs were released. She spaces out her popular songs and sings covers that showcase her powerful voice, demonstrating her talent without sacrificing crowd engagement. I jump and I jump and I jump.
I make leftover chicken tenders and fried rice for dinner after we get home. Nearing midnight, we light the cake again for Grace. We arrange the leftover birthday cake candles to write a new message: HIT PHARPY!!!!
I talk to Chris for a few hours afterward, marking the best birthday I’ve had in years.
Sunday
We play limbo at Grace, Lucas, and Will’s joint birthday party, which turns out to be a genuinely enthralling game. We nearly snap our backs in half in the attempt to maneuver under a cue stick, another person collapsing onto the floor in each round. There’s a Kahoot where Kiara and I perform embarrassingly and Cane’s which I eat too much of.
At 11:11 p.m., Juli lights a soju candle so we can make an extra magical wish. I’m so excited by the fleeting moment that I can’t even think of anything concrete to ask for. I’ve run out of wishes to make, especially in this week so full of love and joy and laughter. I really don’t know what else I could ask for except to maybe have it last a little longer, but if writing this has taught me anything, it’s that wishing for time is a last thing you should do.
Photos of note:
HIT PHARPY WAHOO🎂